Don’t Call Me

Currently listening to… Madonna – Hung Up

Don't you hate it when people call you and they're doing something?  Whether they are at the club or watching t.v., out to eat, whatever...They call and are like "What you doin?...Hey put that down, hahaha, stop that, hello?"  What the fuck is that?  Why are you calling me?  What do you want?  I didn't want to come to the club, why are you calling me from the club, having me to repeat everything I say because your tired ass Sprint phone isn't equipped with a adequate ear piece.  Please get off the phone, you're wasting my unlimited free minutes. 

Don't call me from work when you have absolutely nothing of significance to talk about, and just want to linger on the phone with me.  I get it!  Your job is a bore and you're tired of playing solitaire, what am I suppose to do to change that?  Could you at least call me with something in mind to talk about?

Are you one of those people who just like to be seen on the phone in front of people?  Does it make you feel important or less alone?  Is something running through your head like,"I'm somebody popular and I have lots and lots of friends and I'm always on the go; these people just don't know how great I am and if they did, they'd want to know me too."  If so, don't call me.

What provoked this entry was someone calling from back home, who I haven't talked to in over a month, who called me while his friend was in the store and he sat in the car waiting for him to come back.  I mean what the fuck!  You should've heard this conversation, everything about it was wrong!  For starts don't say "Hey girl" to me, bitch I have a PENIS!  I love my penis!  Don't degrade me with that "girlfriend" bullshit.  Secondly, he had nothing in mind of what he wanted to talk about.  I mean, we not cool enough for you just call me and expect a conversation to manifest!  You obviously don't know me that well at all if you calling with this "girlfriend" bs.  So I need the conversation to have a direction.  And lastly, here I was with the phone for my ear for all of 5 mins 21 secs of which I'd say 3 mins 12 secs of it was spent with him talking either to himself about there not being nothing on the radio, putting me on hold, or him talking to the guy getting back into the car.  I just hung up the damn phone.  Click. 

Not everybody's as...direct as I am with that approach.  He's lucky I didn't say anything and just chose to hang up.  I could've easily told him "Hey, you having my number is doing nothing for me anymore, please delete it from your phone and find someone else to entertain you in your downtime, I'm not equipped with that gene."  Whereas you may actually care about talking to this same person later on down the line, and don't want to burn a bridge.  Great for you.  That's not me. I'm not a people person, so I don't leave that room for error.  Nope, I have my little Motorola with the selective silent feature, don't fuck with me, the phone won't ring, vibrate or light up when your ass call.  But for those of you out there a little more "tactful", I've learned a couple of tricks to keeping people I don't want to hear from off my phone line, so I'm going to share them with my cyber family...

1. Hang up.  Now this only works if one of you are using a cell phone, not if you're on land lines like at work or something.  Of course if both of you are on a cell phone, it works like a charm...especially if someone is using Verizon or T-Mobile, those networks are bullshit anyway.  Just hang up.  They'll call back, and this part is key people...if you have a flip phone, keep your phone OPEN because when they call back, you'll need to press the end button to send them straight to voicemail.  That way you give the illusion that your phone isn't acting right, otherwise the phone will just ring and ring, and your conscience (for those equip with those things) might kick in provoking you to pick up the phone...JUST SAY NO PEOPLE...Also side note you need to know your equipment.  This is what I mean by taking into account the flipping if you have a cell phone, but this is very key with land lines though.  What I mean by this is, if you're on a cordless phone, realize that most phones make a beep sound just before you hang up, that the person on the other end can hear if you hang up with them still holding the other end.  And if you're on a corded phone, which my old fashion ass prefer actually, then PLEASE press the button on the cradle to hang up...DON'T just put the phone back on the hook because let me tell you PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU HANGING UP...lol...its a very interesting sound too, very distinctive...don't be rude about hanging up unexpectly...wait...more like don't be obviously rude about hanging up in someone's face...yeah that's it.
2. Crumbling the paper.  We've all seen this on t.v. where you get the nearest object around you and use it to pretend there's something terribly wrong with the connection.  It works people.
3. Oh shit you dropped/broke/spilled your (blank).  Okay, now this one is like very tricky, because you have to have some acting skill to use it and be creative and quick on your feet.  Just pretend something unexpected happened and you just can't hold the phone to your face at that moment!  "Oh damn, I spilled my...jell-o...aw damn, I have jell-o everywhere, aw man...Stop Toto, don't lick that...Ew I have to go, Toto is trying to eat the jell-o, you know he loves some jell-o, BYE!"  I mean they're not actually there!  They don't know if you're eating jell-o!  They don't even know if you got a dog since the last time you talked!!!

Lawd why did I just give you'll these ideas? Lol...I can only imagine what close friends or of mine reading this are going to think.  These rules do not apply to you!!!  I love talking with some people, you should know the difference.  I have a running joke with one friend who calls me and I say "Nikka what you want?".  It's a joke, and he knows me so he gets me and plays along, even if it was me who called him, lol. I can even do this with my mother, it all depends on timing really.  Timing is everything in life people.  It's cute. Other people would be offended, like my grandmother.  No no no, these rules only apply to those people you don't really care to speak to via the phone.  Don't do this to love ones and family, that's just mean...but you know everyone has those associates who have you programmed in their phone for their boredom.  To fill their time, they waste your time.  Not interested.

I know someone who seriously does not talk on the phone.  If you want to communicate with them you need to have a internet connection, otherwise you become pretty much invisible...Now, with a boyfriend in a different state (that I love talkin to even when he's rambling; the only rambler I allow) and a phone bill regularly around the $95 mark...I'm starting to become increasingly aware of how my minutes are used...Not just with the phone bill, but with life...